Today has been a day of recovery. I haven't transistioned, even tho I really don't want to deal with the chaos that is my relationship. I am trying to stay in control because this is my situation to handle head on. This is going to be hard for me. I never learned how, I've always had to pin up my emotions and abuse. I feel like I have to keep the fact that she put her hands on me a secret. Secrets of abuse, damn a cycle I thought I had escaped. But she's my rock & keeps me grounded when I lose time all crazy. I know I wouldn't have been able to make it through this with out my therapist. That's a crazy thought because I was the most avid protesters of gettin a therapists and she's saved my life is 4 short weeks. I've learn to accept that I'm not broken or crazy but jus different, and that's not something to be ashamed of. I have no control over the fact that I have lived through all different types of abuse from numerous different people. Imma a survivor!!!! I'm the protector of all things that are us. That's probably why I am so quick to run away from pain. Since my girlfriend and I last argument when she put her hands on me, I've realized how much abuse I've hidden deep down on the inside of me that I haven't dealt with. I don't know why that's such a big surprise, I was never allowed to tell anyone anything growing up. The few times I got the courage to say anything no1 believed me or they knew and chose not to do anything. I know this recent experience has opened Pandora's box of abuse in my brain. How do I know? I woke up yesterday and I felt like I had just been beaten and I ran to check my back and ass for whelps like back in the day. STRESSFUL!!! This morning I wake up abruptly after some random dreamed up guy held me down and raped me for laughing at him. I was shook, my body had that memory relived sexual abuse vividly. I just want to be ok. STRESSFUL!!!
But I decided to give my girlfriend the opportunity to work on herself. Well technically she's not my girlfriend anymore. She knows she doesn't deserve me and she needs to improving herself before I can begin to forgive her. The only reason is because she has never done anything like this in the whole 5yrs together and she's showing serious remorse. I'm in love with her a lot and idk if I can throw away 5yrs on a mistake. But I can throw away 5yrs on an emerging pattern. So I gave her 10 commandments that she has to follow if she wants to try and work her way back into my heart's good graces.